Thursday, March 24, 2011

Condoms Have Feelings Too!

This was a piece, (like I said, I sometimes write thing's other than horror), that I had written for a "Safe Sex" contest. I pictured a condom standing at a podium as a ranting politician would.

To Whom It May Concern,

"Hi my name is Stretch and I am a "Rubber." We Rubbers' have a long and proud history. Yet, my family and I are always kept in the dark. It´s about time that one of us speaks up. We want to be heard!

My family is distinct and comes in different sizes and colors… Some of us are skinny and some of us are fat. Why, our Uncle Alien is the glow-in-the-dark showoff and Grandpa Lump has the bumps and ridges all over him. The chicks dig him… We´re so proud of them! Oh, I´m rambling on, enough about my family and me… anyways… our given name is actually prophylactics but, we are usually called condoms. For you guys, we will cling comfortably around that special… OH! Forgetaboutit!

Anyways, we do a couple of different things.

First of all, we keep the world´s population down, especially with those pesky teenagers who can´t wait. Could you imagine if one of us wasn´t there to contribute to the cause? NO! I´ll bet you never even considered that fact have you! Babies, babies, and more babies, I can tell you that much. Don´t get me wrong, we all like babies but, in proper time, you know what I mean?

And… not only do we run the pregnancy first line of defense, we also help keep two people safe from sexually transmitted diseases too. Of course, nothing is perfect but, we "rubbers" have a pretty good track record and we should be taken seriously and respected.
When should you keep one of us around?
Of course, if you are married, or at least in a long-term relationship and mutually want to have a child, well then, by all means… have at it folks. I guess we won´t be needed.

Now, if you are out at the clubs and having a couple of beverages, dancing, you know, things happen right. Well, that´s where we "rubbers" really can come in handy. Neither of you want to go to sleep childless and wake up as a parent…
How do you know you can trust me?
HEY! I didn´t get shocked, stretched, prodded, and poked for just anything. I meet the U.S. and International Standards. I am reliable. That´s one thing I can say about my family, even if we are a bit weird.

But, the real thing that I want to say is that we´re here for your convenience and want to be taken seriously. What´s so wrong with one of us tagging along on that next adventure? We don´t care how old you are, we just want to save you from maybe making the biggest mistake of your life. We understand that hormones run wild… We promise we won´t take up much space in either a wallet or a purse. And besides, if any one sees me, just tell´em that I´m your old pal Stretch and I want to be heard."

Your Friend,


1 comment:

  1. I laughed so hard at the first line I knew this was a keeper!!! Indeed, a far cry from horror, but good stuff just the same. I have a new appreciation for the 'Rubbers'!!!ROFL!!!


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