Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Just the other day, I was pondering how good it is to be alive. Enjoying the throes of very existence is a wonderful thing. Whether it is the wind, or the sun, or the rain, from daybreak to sunset, it is invigorating, exciting, enjoyable, and each day is pleasantly inviting. I can truly say I enjoy every minute of it.
I have watched and saw, all sorts of neighborhood children, big and small, with their bouncing balls and jumping ropes, frolicking and playing, their joyful voices cascading about like an exploded firework. I have seen lovers embracing in the dusk, their hearts fluttering full of love, their faces as bright as the fireflies that flickered around them. I have watched young hatchlings become mature, only to soar away, never to be seen or heard from again. I have smelled the apple blossom scent, flowing through the air, and the musty, moist, decay that the humidity would bring. There have been horrendous storms that literally terrified me, and the constant threat of instant mandible, beak, or fungi destruction that has also been somewhat frightening. Through it all, I hung in there, basically, savoring every moment and serenely enjoying the bliss.
Although, in more recent days, the bright cheerfulness has grown somewhat dim. and I haven’t been feeling up to par. This wasn’t a quick alteration. It certainly was subtle, and I never really noticed it…until now. Finding it eerie and odd, I have attempted to understand and analyze it, and I suppose it is normal. But, nonetheless, it is still quite difficult to accept. Aging, at times, can be excruciatingly painful, and there have been times that I wanted so desperately to cry out, simply hoping it would aid and assist in eliminating the hurt. I know there has to be millions of us that feel this way. But, it is no consolation; no one will listen to the pleas; the cries will never be heard. No one seems concerned. It is a festering loneliness, never, not even remotely fading, and having only increased. And, I suppose it will continue to do so.
The frequency and speed at which this has occurred is alarming and I have begun to enter the notion of a potential demise when I am forced to endure the horrible fact that many I have known my entire life are now disappearing. It began as a subtle occurrence, one by one, but is now to the point of unpredictability.
Call it a premonition if you will. But, someday soon, I’ll feel that I will be forced to succumb to the same demise. I too will disappear into the oblivion, with no one caring that I had. It is rather disheartening and most certainly discerning. But, I know its coming…I can feel it!
These subtle changes have become more and more prevalent. I am unable to maneuver as I once had and am now becoming feeble and somewhat stiff. It is discouraging and down right depressing at times. But, I do my best to contend, deal with, and remain strong.
But, does anyone ever know? What do their eyes see? Is it a meaningless existence?  This plight I harbor and hold dear with extreme concern, is probably, for many, not even worthy of consideration. Although, I do, for some strange reason, have this wild notion that many believe it to be a wonderful and glorious thing. I, on the other hand, don’t find it to be all that glorious. On the contrary, I find it demented, macabre, and quite despicable that many consider my demise in such a way. I don’t want to die and would feel quite horrible and unsettling if I entertained those types of thoughts about them.
And, I have grown to wonder, more often than not, as to why myself, as well as many others, have become the chosen ones. Who makes that decision? Why have I been forced to endure and confront such heinousness? Why must I suffer with something that others inadvertently find joy in? No sir, it certainly doesn’t seem fair.
Today I may have finally come to grips with the inevitableness that besieges me. Having closely contrasted and compared my symptoms with those of others, the terrifying conclusion is that they are one in the same.
Therefore, I will attempt to consol myself; accept the rustling winds of life to cool and pass by, potentially taking me with it. However, although I accept it, it is nowhere near inviting. The nights are increasingly becoming worse. And, each day’s warm glow is increasingly apparent to be a false fa├žade that I no longer feel or appreciate. It is as though the grim reaper is chronically standing nearby, yet completely out of sight, and simply waiting for his moment to pounce. He is, much like most others, neither understanding nor sympathetic.
          Suddenly, I feel it happen and immediately know the time has come..
My mind screams out in indescribable horror. Yet no one hears, nor is a sound even heard. I flutter, aimlessly down, across and with the cold breeze, allowing it to grip tight, encompassing and taking me away from the security of the only place I have ever known. I now know it is to my inevitable demise and certain death. I can feel the light in me fade and give way to the dark. As I tumble, repeatedly, across the invisible force and constantly falling, the darkness gains speed and closes quickly.
I’m fading in and out rapidly now as the darkness constantly continues to whittle away at what little life I have left. The glowing Jack-O-Lantern I landed softly beside, and come to rest partly against, is oddly inviting. And, with my last whim of life, I realize that I am lying amongst my kind…and it is comforting.

1 comment:

  1. Be thankful you're not as "life-experienced" as I am. My bones and joints protest around the clock that I would even consider making them move, bend, or feel the least little bit alive. But I hop on my bicycle, ride to the gym and pump some serious iron. Then comes the joy of biking back to the office to write some tales of horror, listening to my body dictate the nuances of pain. Ain't life grand?


Thanks for taking the time to comment and remember fear is a good thing.

Stay Scared,